S.S - Much love and light

Hello fellow Warriors,

 

My journey with my eating disorder began in November 2016. My grandmother was dying of cancer and I felt my life was out of control. I started playing around with food and slightly reducing how much I ate. It was nothing major and I hardly lost any weight.

 

My grandmother got worse during the next few months. I started eating. Not a little, but a lot. I ate when I wasn’t hungry, at night, whenever I could. I felt like a whale, a monster. This went on until after my grandmother passed away, until the fall of 2017. I gained over 10 pounds.

 

I felt depressed and upset with myself. I had let myself binge uncontrollably, even during the depths of grief. I felt so fat. 

 

I soon discovered green tea, how good it is for you, and also how 1-3 cups of it a day can burn up to 300 calories. That became my drug, my anecdote, for whenever I ate too much. 

 

By December 2017, I quickly lost the weight I had gained, with green tea and exercise. But even though I was hovering on the edge of becoming underweight, I didn’t stop. I drastically reduced my food intake and drank 2 cups of green tea a day, also cutting out certain foods like bread, butter, cheese, oatmeal, and refined sugar. I had developed anxiety from the death of my grandmother, so I HAD to eat only 3 meals a day. NO snacks. If I didn’t follow through with what my mind thought was “right”, I would get panic attacks and cry hysterically. 

 

A few months ago, I decided that enough was enough. My period had been gone for so long and I felt so rough and battered from lack of food and excess exercise. I began my journey towards recovering by embracing a vegan diet, exercising regularly (not excessively) and drinking a normal amount of green tea.

 

It’s May 2018 now. Am I truly recovered? No. It takes a lot to heal and get through an eating disorder. Do I always look in the mirror and see myself as thin? No. 

 

Remember, you CAN get through an eating disorder. It’s not impossible. Nothing is impossible. Keep fighting, and keep shooting down that nagging, noxious voice in your mind.

 

Much love and light. 

Margherita Barbieri