Pauline Mathilde Nataf - Underneath Anorexia.
I am actually writing an entire book about my twelve years of suffering with anorexia which will include my recovery journey, but I wanted to write this letter for you all because Warriors talk and everyone’s Warrior-words are engraved in my mind.
As I said, I had anorexia for twelve years, and I finally can say that I am in real recovery. AT LAST! I am now weight restored but most of all, I am proud of it. Never in my life, I thought I would be able to accept myself like I do today. My road to self-acceptance is still very long, but the more I fight, the more I love myself.
At this exact moment, I am living hard times, because even if I am in good shape, i am not in good health yet. But there is hope, so much hope. I feel like I am suffering now, to never forget that my health is the most precious thing I have, and now I feel the back lash of my many years underweight. But even with all the suffering still going on I feel that now I have a chance to realise my dreams. I have finally got the headspace I have been searching for, for what feels like a lifetime.
I am sad that I’ve hurt myself so hard during these years of anorexia, my bones, my muscles, my entire body… but, in a way, nothing taught me more about myself and about life then anorexia.
I am not changing in to a new person from it, but I am finally becoming who I was underneath Anorexia. The more my outer shell and built up wall of anorexia breaks the more I am unleashed.
No matter what people say, it’s not twelve years wasted, it‘s twelve years to understanding myself and it was twelve years of self-love education. I was learning how to live fulfilled. Yes it was a very long learning journey but it will now carry me for the rest of my life.
Five months ago, when I began my recovery, you (Margi) were the very first warrior I discovered on Instagram. And I have to say, you’ve been an incredible and unexpected help.
This video you (Margi) made, when you were still struggling saying « This stops here…we recover, we get better, we eat ! we eat, we eat, we eat…. we feel shit and shit and shit…but we do not give up ! » I know it by heart. Those words, dear Margi, followed me every days and every night. When it was hard, I was thinking « I want to achieve, what she achieved » I admired you so much, I wanted to look at myself the same way.
For twelve years, I felt like I was not meant to live, so I didn’t deserve to eat. Now, I know, that I have fears, I have insecurities, and I will make mistakes, but who doesn’t? I can work on it, I am a warrior, I can do a lot, it won’t be easy, but the reward is worth it. And I will begin to think, that I AM WORTH IT.
Dear Margi, Dear Warriors, thank you for sharing your journey/s, nothing gives me more hope and emotion than your words. I wish we all can realise our biggest dreams and make this mental illness our strength.
LOVE LOVE LOVE,
Pauline Mathide Nataf