Laura Baranyai - My poem: When I was little

Hey everyone! 

My name is Laura. I’m a 15 year old girl, who decided to choose life over her anorexia. I decided to fight, because I want my life back. There is one thing that makes me feel amazing about recovery. Which is the fact that I’m enough and I can be enough right now. Not 3 pound lighter, or not when my thighs become thin enough. I can be worthy at this moment, without changing a thing. I can live a whole and happy life without the feeling, I no longer need to suffer. Thank you recovery for that! I wanted to show you, and myself it is possible and beautiful, just as we warriors are.

 

When I was little,

I didn’t know who I should have been

I was happy, I felt worthy

then I realised I shouldn’t 

I decided, to be that,

I decided I deserved that

 

When I was little I didn’t understand things needing to be “right”

I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to be that,

“Right”,

One day, I changed my mind

I needed to be better, perfect even

What I did was never enough 

I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t skinny enough 

But I thought everyday I was becoming closer to be enough

And once skinny, I can finally be perfect

 

I thought I had to change myself

Skinny will bring me happiness 

Every single pound I lost made me see my body bigger

The more I changed the more critical I became

The skinnier my body looked, the bigger my self-hate grew

When I thought “I’m getting closer to becoming perfect”

I didn’t realise that actually I had never been so far from that before

My perfection was an obsession that drowned me in negativity 

 

I stopped.

I didn’t care about perfect, I just wanted to be me

Because I know that only that makes me happy

I want to be myself, not someone else

Not a picture 

I don’t need to compare myself to someone else, not anymore and not ever again.

 

But there is this voice in my head,

Did I give up?

I gave up the perfectionism,

What I was chasing so hard,

And once I was so close to.

No. 

I’m finding myself 

Because I’ve been lost for a while and those thoughts I am having aren’t mine.

 

Love a fighting warrior,

Laura Baranyai.