Laura Baranyai - My poem: When I was little
My name is Laura. I’m a 15 year old girl, who decided to choose life over her anorexia. I decided to fight, because I want my life back. There is one thing that makes me feel amazing about recovery. Which is the fact that I’m enough and I can be enough right now. Not 3 pound lighter, or not when my thighs become thin enough. I can be worthy at this moment, without changing a thing. I can live a whole and happy life without the feeling, I no longer need to suffer. Thank you recovery for that! I wanted to show you, and myself it is possible and beautiful, just as we warriors are.
When I was little,
I didn’t know who I should have been
I was happy, I felt worthy
then I realised I shouldn’t
I decided, to be that,
I decided I deserved that
When I was little I didn’t understand things needing to be “right”
I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to be that,
One day, I changed my mind
I needed to be better, perfect even
What I did was never enough
I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t skinny enough
But I thought everyday I was becoming closer to be enough
And once skinny, I can finally be perfect
I thought I had to change myself
Skinny will bring me happiness
Every single pound I lost made me see my body bigger
The more I changed the more critical I became
The skinnier my body looked, the bigger my self-hate grew
When I thought “I’m getting closer to becoming perfect”
I didn’t realise that actually I had never been so far from that before
My perfection was an obsession that drowned me in negativity
I didn’t care about perfect, I just wanted to be me
Because I know that only that makes me happy
I want to be myself, not someone else
Not a picture
I don’t need to compare myself to someone else, not anymore and not ever again.
But there is this voice in my head,
Did I give up?
I gave up the perfectionism,
What I was chasing so hard,
And once I was so close to.
I’m finding myself
Because I’ve been lost for a while and those thoughts I am having aren’t mine.
Love a fighting warrior,