Kathryn McArthur - I’m ruled by the stars
Good evening! I love what you are doing with warrior talk, It's incredible!
I have a poem I wrote that I thought might be appropriate for submission. I've pasted it below. Thanks so much for reading,
As a child a doctor told me I didn’t look like I had an eating disorder
so I went home and didn’t go back until I did.
And now I’m ruled by numbers not by the stars so when you’re counting sheep I’m counting calories, kilograms
because my illness doesn’t rest
and the numbers in my head wont go to sleep until I do and even then we dance around each other counting each other
I haven’t really been to sleep in years.
And I try everything I’m told but I have never left a yoga class feeling any more woman
any more beautiful more fit more thin than before,
there aren’t enough namaste’s in this world to fix these broken brains.
There is a vast community online of people recovering from eating disorders, but a lot of them not recovering
just sweetening each other’s sickness
they wear their hospital stays like badges counting them out on display
It is just another thing for them to count,
they call themselves soldiers but what side are they fighting for?
And I find myself not ranking the highest but I must be sick to want to be the sickest,
So well versed in making myself appetising but have no appetite.
These blood shot eyes follow me through city streets they are a token of my compliance, I pledge allegiance to this illness
but it is the loneliest place I have ever lived.
When I tell you the city can be a lonely place to live sometimes, what I really mean is this eating disorder can be a lonely place to live sometimes.
My mother told me it’s good to feel hungry sometimes
so I let my meals eat themselves
I learnt to see my stomach as an inconvenience,
a gluttonous, ravenous mistake for a necessity
voracious, insatiable, wolfish,
But now I am the wolf and the prey.
These days I think I’m doing fine but every morning I drink my coffee black when really
I want cream.
But losing weight has never made me feel as small as losing hope has
And I don't want to feel small any longer.
I had a doctor tell me recently I don’t look like I have an eating disorder.
So I went home.