Izii Jane Taylor - The girl who found her way home
This is my most recent piece of writing and I am delighted I can share it with you all.
I’m in recovery from anorexia nervosa and addiction. I have ADHD, depression, bpd & anxiety. My recovery began in 2013 where I was inpatient for 2 years at Lifeworks, Open Skies Wilderness and the Priory. I am reclaiming my voice, practicing self-love, rediscovering me and learning to thrive sober. I hope my blog gives insight into what mental illness are like, and expose my recovery journey, most of all to give someone struggling a little hope
My piece is called, The girl who found her way home.
You were enough, you always were
I'm sorry I tried to squeeze you into something you were not
I denied your voice, your identity
I so wanted to fit in and be part of
Desperate to be anyone but myself
I was ashamed of me
The thick glasses made me stand out,
It was the only feature they could see
Glaucoma defined me
I hid behind contact lenses that I could hardly see
But nothing I did ever seemed to work
And that took you further away from you
I listened to the bullies and that only took me further away from you
I led you to believe that your appearance was your only value and in the eyes of others I was far from beautiful
I made you feel so unloved because I felt hated by everyone around me
I was lost in their words and they become my own
More and more critical they became
I'm sorry for not saying anything when your struggles got worse
When the world was nothing but dark
When you first took a knife to your skin
When you started skipping meals
I'm sorry I abused you with drugs and alcohol morning to night
I'm sorry anorexia stole all your young years
I'm sorry you felt like you had to end your life
When you overdosed again and ended up in hospital
I know your heart was heavy for to many years, and your mind was filled with memories and voices, too much for one to carry around alone
But my darling, can you see how strong you are?
You have got through every single day you wished you weren't alive
You have endured so much, yet your still standing.
You have grown so much since you entered first entered rehabilitation's doors
I remember how lost you were
So afraid of saying a word
You curled up in the corner and refused to let your tears flow
You thought you were beyond help and you were tired of fighting
You knew someone would finally listen here but the words wouldn't come out
Trapped behind your darkest secrets.
You began your journey but held so tightly to the secret you didn't want to recover
That you felt you didn't have a place in this world
After 2 years in rehab your thought you would never make it on the outside
But look at you now, 5 years on, many relapses later and a whole bunch of therapy
You are owning your recovery, and now you've committed
You've let your family in, and realized they were always there, that you were never a burden to them
You'r sober and nourishing your body
You see the beauty in everyday, and the color in the world
You feel love and you love so deep
You feel your worth and you try your hardest to help others see their worth
To feel grateful for your existence, what a joy that is
You've let the light in and your heart is no longer entrenched by darkness and hate
And even when the painful emotions dive on in, you hold such great knowledge that it wont last forever
The days where recovery seems to much, you always fight
And the days you find it a little harder to love and take care of yourself, you know to just keep on going.
I know your still finding confidence in your voice, but my god you were living in silence for so long and were battered by the words of others.
You know what makes proud?
You've learnt to find peace with your past
But most of all, you've realized your beauty and are no longer ashamed of who you are.
I felt like I had lost many years.
I grieved for you, that little girl who went missing
But you know I wouldn't wish it any other way
You are beautiful, lovable and worthwhile
You always were
You were just faced with the wrong kind
And you've found the kind that love you for who you are
And I see you smile so often, not that fake smile you put on for years
So my darling, continue to bloom
Celebrate your differences
You can hold your head up high
Enduring the road you've traveled has made you brave and brought you to life.
That little girl who ran from life, has found her way home.