Ariel - I’m finally calling it quits with you
My name is Ariel.
And this is my goodbye letter with anorexia.
It’s me. Do you miss me? Yeah, I know you do. You tell me everyday that I’m making a big mistake. You tell me to come back. You tell me recovery will not be worth it. You tell me that we were good together, that what we had was special, amazing, one of a kind. We were inseparable. You tell me that you had my back, that when everything else was going so wrong, you’d always be there for me.
You’re angry, I know that. You feel betrayed. You don’t quite know what to do with yourself now, do you? I was all you had, and now that I’m officially kicking you out of my life, now what? That’s a question that I’m asking myself, too. We’re parting ways, true. But who are we without each other? Who am I without you? I don’t know. But I know you did more harm than good, that’s for sure.
But you say you didn’t. You say that all of it was for my own benefit. That you made so many sacrifices just to make me happy.
Well if that’s true, why was I still so miserable? You promised that when I reached that “goal” that I would be happy, but I wasn’t. It was an empty promise. All that you wanted was more from me, no matter how much I gave to you it was never enough. I gave ALL of myself to you. I sacrificed relationships, social outings, half of my teen years, my favourite foods, my personality, my humour, my enthusiasm for life, my dreams and highest hopes, gymnastics, basketball, violin, guitar, piano, my sanity, my health...everything. All that was left was an empty personality, a mind so blurred from starvation that pretending I was okay sucked any energy that I had left. Any physical exertion exhausted me, but you said that it was a small price to pay because what I got in return was worth it. But it wasn’t.
You were never honest with me. And in the midst of trying to protect you, I lied to the people I love most. I made endless excuses for you, and for what? A body that couldn’t do anything but lay in bed and watch television? A body that was cold and fatigued 24/7?
Our only outings would be to go to the store to fixate on the foods that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to eat.
We never ever had fun. You called all the shots, I never had a say.
You are abusive, selfish, and manipulative.
You are cruel.
And that’s why I’m finally calling it quits with you. We’re through.
Yeah, I know you’ll always try to wiggle your way back into my life - but I know better than that now. I’ll never get back together with you. EVER.
Your new place is a dusty corner in the attic, and there you will stay.
A little part of me will miss you, however crazy that may sound. You had become my identity and trying to create a new one will be beyond difficult, painful, overwhelming, and uncomfortable.
But what I’m beginning to realise is that it will all be worth it, whereas you never were.