Beatrice Rebecca - I’m in love with you all
It’s a pleasure to meet everyone,
I’m Beatrice Rebecca, I’m 19 years old and this is my story;
Three years ago, after a bad break up with my long term boyfriend, things started to change in my life, but at the time I didn’t know that; actually this energy was inside of me for a very long time but I never allowed myself to stop and release it; that bad break up was just the tip of the iceberg, I was carrying a pain which was the result of layers and layers of struggles I’ve never faced.
Actually it has taken a lot before I became aware of it; actually, only starving to death has shaken me and pushed me to make a change, to replenish the holes in myself, to face the obscure sides of my life.
Everything started slowly, by creating some rules, by looking for the numbers, by increasing the level of physical activity, by diminishing the opportunity to nurture, and embrace, my precious body.
In that period I’ve moved to Canada on my own for five months to study, and there, without the controlling and scared eyes of my dear ones, that strong energy decided it was the right time to take advantage of myself and of my whole life.
That energy, that voice, that side of me, was constantly fighting against my real internal voice. Indeed, my real self who was just asking for love, for patience, for acceptance but the other voice was forcing me to starve myself, to control every aspect of my life, to behave compulsively; they were fighting everyday and finally the forceful energy overcame and won the fight, constantly screaming in my head and becoming the captain of my whole self. As the days passed the voice became louder and louder, the book of rules for restriction became heavier…
Until one day, my mom, my friends and my doctor, who, at the time, I believed were my enemies, decided it was time for me to stop this struggle and to begin it all again. The day I was told I had to be hospitalised for a week in order to be able to flight back home I believed it was the worst and scariest day of my life, my biggest humiliating failure, and actually, that opened up a new chapter.
I’ve started therapies: nutritionists, psychologists, psychotherapists, lots of tears in the corner of the washroom, lots of feelings, lots of suppressed screams, lots of fears, lots of doubts…
And yes since then, even though at the moment I couldn’t realise it, little by little love begun to flow again, slowly. There has been many relapses, and each day I was facing new fears.
But since then I’ve started to know myself again as if it was the first time after a long long period; it seemed that everything stopped when I was very young, and that inner child, that the forceful energy that I’ve suppressed, now started to show up again day by day. Slowly I’ve learnt to embrace the being I am, I’ve learnt to accept the situations in which I flowed during my life and released them all.
I’m still on this road, after three years, I’m still fighting, as a warrior, despite the people who sometimes, even unwillingly, have put me down; and it is hard, oh, it is so hard, for long periods I’ve even stopped to take care of myself, and also the voice returned and yeah it keeps coming back many times.. however I don’t want to loose it, I’ll keep fighting. When you breathe the fresh replenishing air of real life, you can’t give up on that.
My tip, if you’re struggling too, is to try, try it, and trust, trust the process, this is on replay on my head and it’s fucking hard, but deep down I know it’s worth it.
You create your own reality, and now it’s time, for us all to make peace with our bodies. Its time to really let go of those chains, it’s time to shut up those oppressive voices and turn on the music of our hearts. Now, this present moment, is the right time, trust it, try it.
I know you want it too cause if you listen close you’ll hear that your inner child is yearning for it, and it’s our job to take care of her/his;
And I’m proud for all you’ve gone through. I’m proud for all I’ve gone through.
I’m proud because you’re fighting, because I’m still fighting.
Don’t give up on yourself. You can do it. I can do it.
Keep fighting dear warriors, the world needs us too.
Let’s be winners Let’s choose life.
I’m with you all
Lots of love