Chiara Medri - The White Wolf and The Black Wolf
I really hope you enjoy my story.
Keep going everyone.
Lots of love,
The White Wolf and The Black Wolf
I am Chiara and I‘m now twenty years old. Long story short. After years and years of bullying, I developed Anorexia Nervosa, a Borderline Personality Disorder. My recovery was at first half forced/half agreed.
I went in and out of residential treatment overall for one and a half years. Before my last inpatient stay I was absolutely miserable, I had maintained my weight already for a year. But my mind was a complete mess. The voices in my head were unbearably loud, but something in me didn‘t want to carry on like this, to spend my whole life like this. So I went to residential treatment and this time I WANTED it. And I think this is the key to recovery. You have to WANT it.
From time to time in treatment, the REAL Chiara started to show up again. I really thought a lot about some really deep stuff... about life, about what I really want, and the world and myself in general.
I came to the conclusion, that life simply is actually a gift. (I know deep down in a mental illness like depression or an ED, you often, don‘t feel like that, but it‘s true!) (Especially for me, because I was born two months too early and all the doctors said me and my twin sister wouldn‘t make it, but here I was, on the go attempting to throw away my life, that was given to me and was determined to stop throwing it away!) Life is a story! And my story just couldn‘t be over yet. There‘s so much to see in the world... wonders over wonders... you just have to take the courage, step out there and explore all these incredible things, that are waiting for you!
I always saw the world through the eyes of a writer, a storyteller... and now I was given the chance to write my very OWN story.
So, do you know what saved my life? My twin sister.
I remember a night, I was so deep in my illness. She told me the story of the two wolves... there are two wolves in each of our hearts, who are fighting a battle. There‘s a black wolf, who represents everything bad in our lives, like hate, sadness, jealousy... and a white one, who represents everything good, like joy, kindness, love...
Only you decide which wolf wins this battle. “It depends on which wolf you feed more!“ she said. I thought: “So if I am focusing more on the good things in life, rather than all the bad things, maybe I could be more happy...!?“ And I started to really think about it...
This little story opened my eyes and turned my world upside down (even if it took a lot of time).
Today I am at a point in recovery, where I truly can say, life is worth living again. I can laugh, I can go to work again, I can eat (also things I loved pre-ED)... And most important, I am able to see the brighter things in my life. I still struggle a lot, but I work on regaining a healthy relationship with myself, my friends, my family and my life. To find a balance in life...
I have many things to look forward in the future (first, a finally enjoyable Christmas after two years) To start an apprenticeship again, travel the world, writing and reading all the books in this world!
Recovery is a long and hard process. I, too, have still a long, long way to go, maybe it will take my whole life to learn to forgive myself and the people who have shattered my life apart, but I am on my way. And I NEVER want to go back!
Because Recovery is worth it. Life is worth it.
Choose life. Choose recovery!